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SATIRE: SPLC Declares Supreme Court a “Hate Group”

The Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) announced today that it has designated the United States Supreme Court a “Hate Group” and added the Court to its infamous Hate Map.

The SPLC released a statement, saying the Court’s siding with the owner of Masterpiece Cakeshop in a dispute with a same-sex couple over a custom wedding cake was “the last straw” in the decision. “Despite some occasional correct decisions, the High Court’s disingenuous use of the First Amendment to reach a conclusion we disagree with cannot be tolerated. Only the right types of religion and speech get those protections.”

“We’ve had our eye on them for a while,” said an unidentified member of SPLC, “particularly with some of their more recent decisions. Hate expresses itself in many conservative expressions or other opinions we don’t approve of – and this is clearly one of those.”

A Supreme Court source reportedly notified the SPLC that the Court’s decision was a 7-2 vote, which another unidentified SPLC spokesperson described as “tough noogies for them,” explaining that the two dissenters should have done more to “restrain the out-of-control haters in the majority decision.”

Following the announcement, several well-placed Washington, D.C. attorneys, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said they found the announcement “perplexing.” One prominent Supreme Court advocate said, “The SPLC’s encouragement that anarchist groups attack the building and spray paint its historic columns with slogans like ‘Hate Gotta Go’ seems a bit over the top. I mean, isn’t the whole anarchy thing with those calls to ‘destroy the system’ kind of a hate thing, too?”

Another unidentified SPLC source scoffed at this response. “These people are just bigots who don’t get the rules. We make the rules. We can’t hate, because we say so. It should be obvious to all, except haters, that only people who disagree with us go on the Hate Map. It’s just good business sense … I mean common sense. No, strike that last comment.”

With the addition of the Supreme Court to its list of “Hate Groups,” SPLC announced its newest campaign to identify “government haters,” whom the Center claims “have gotten a pass for too long because of the technicality that voters put them in office.” When asked who else might be added to the Hate List, another unidentified SPLC source said, “We’re watching about 15 states, particularly in the southeast and Midwest, which may be added to the Map. They have one election cycle to straighten out, or else they’re toast.” 

As part of its extended mission, an SPLC press release noted the Center is “ considering adding the U.S. Senate, but only if its members keep approving judges we think shouldn’t be on the bench. No more free passes for senators either.”

When asked by a reporter whether defining hate so broadly might water down the definition and give a pass to groups that are actually violent or dangerous, a SPLC spokesperson responded, “You just don’t get it, do you? This is about silencing ideas we don’t like, and people not questioning us. What’s your name – and where do you live?” The reporter declined to respond, and was unavailable for comment in this blog.   

While this is a satire piece, it is not so far-fetched. The SPLC did good work many years ago, but it has since devolved into a propaganda machine dedicated to crushing dissent. It does this by labeling anything it disagrees with as “hate” – even if those beliefs are widely held and constitutionally protected.

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